When Your Husband Doesn’t Look at You anymore
When I met my husband, anytime was a good time to stare at each other eyes and whispers words made of pure love and respect. We daydreamt for hours looking at the globe, pinpointing destinations we wanted to explore, or even move to. We made love in the most unusual places, public and private, and at the craziest hours.
Fast forward to 10 years and 2 babies, I can parade my naked body in front of him while smiling and applying tons of fresh smelling frangipani cream, and he doesn’t even look up from the iPhone, his green eyes fixed on the latest news, a random message or a Strava run. I’m, basically, the most uninteresting thing in the room.
It is frustrating and saddening at best.
From the beginning of our relationship, I “trained” him to go to sleep together, and to wake up with a tender hug, or a brief smile. Now, I can’t even remember the last time we cuddled to sleep or woke up in the same room. For some reason, I seem to need 8 hours of broken sleep, while he thrives on 5 hours in bed, and plenty of hours glued to his computer or phone. Sometimes I wonder what’s so exciting behind that screen.
Unless I’m working or writing, I get bored of scrolling through my newsfeed after 10 minutes; occasionally, I indulge in a full hour of reading articles and people stalking. Yet, I can still not phantom what he can find so entertaining after hours of blue light. Day in, and day out. Every time he looks at his phone is another reminder that a random story that pops up on his screen is still more interesting than a conversation with me.
Mind you, I know he is not the only one; we are absolute slaves of a killing work week and piled up bills. We do need distractions. But once I was that distraction, and it kills me. Our conversations are seldom and next to boring, while we once had fabulous debates on anything from politics to food. Now there is mostly silence, constantly interrupted by the babies and their jokes.
His cuddles have been replaced by my daughter’s cuddles; my secrets are now held by interested ears of friends or specialists; my future dreams are mostly non shared.
How come he doesn’t realise how bad everything now is?
How come he doesn’t change reality and make an effort?
How did we move from 7 hours of sex per day to an estranged half kiss a month?
Mind you, there still is respect, affection, sincere care, and understanding. But can it be enough for the next 40 years?
Can I spend 40 years embracing passive aggression instead of self-boosting love words?
I asked myself that question over and over, and I had to swallow a bitter pill and look at the past 10 years, and especially at my behavior, before blaming someone else for my failures.
But when you are faced with resentment, disappointment, and the boredom of the day to day life, it is natural to think: I need to find a way out.
Based on what stated on the Daily Campus, “As long as marriage is a norm in our society, so, too, will be divorce. In the same way that studying marriage lets you know why people pair-bond, it’s just as important to understand why marriages don’t last and people split.”
These are some interesting stats that have been published in 2019:
- A person with a close friend who gets divorced is 147% more likely to get divorced themselves.
- January is divorce month. People generally start looking for attorneys during the holidays, but with attorneys out of the office, they are forced to wait until after New Year. January 12–16 is the most popular week for filings.
- Some of the most common reasons given for divorce by divorcing couples are: lack of commitment, infidelity, they argue too much, they were married too young, and/or they had unrealistic expectations.
But is divorcing the only way out?
Also if my neurotic personality and once perky skin are lucky to encounter a new love, is that going to be so different in a decade from now when it will be impossible to ignore the halitosis and those nerve-wracking habits?
Maybe there is another solution, and it involves having a hard look at myself in the mirror.
I complain so much about his disinterest and lack of romanticism, but what have I done in the past 12 months to upgrade our relationship?
Are my disheveled hairdo and the grey t-shirt I wear at night an invitation to spice things up?
Is my aversion to day-kisses and embraces helping us to get closer?
Is my stern aversion to fighting strengthening our communication?
Could it be that I helped him to close up behind a screen and that all his tentative to open his heart and mind have been welcomed by unhidden annoyance and disinterest?
Have I stopped hoping for us to work and started looking for a solution by closing myself into someone he doesn’t recognise and doesn’t know how to approach anymore?
Needless to say, since I uncovered my faults and became honest towards who I really am, things have slowly and steadily changed. I’m not going to kid you and say that the sex quickly transformed and became like in the first days, but more than ever before, I’m hoping it could eventually become the case. That when we get out of a rut of nappies changes, sleep time routines and foods plastered on the wall, we will be able to look into each other’ eyes and lead us to a new adventure together.
In the meantime, I can only enjoy the food plastered on the wall and look at my husband with complicity and a smile, instead of blaming him for his non-attentiveness.
Turns out, life it’s much easier this way!