The Day I Stepped On The Scale And I Gained Weight
I knew I had to gain weight.
I was desperate to become a mum and get pregnant, but I couldn’t remember the last time I had a menstrual cycle.
I had been stuck in a loop of disordered eating behaviours and overtraining for the best part of a decade, and I was desperately trying to crawl out of the hole I had dug myself.
I wanted to get better; I really did.
The thing is, I didn’t want to do the homework.
Getting a cycle back while recovering from an eating disorder is relatively simple, as I had to:
- Eat More and Gain Weight
- Stress Less
The reality is that implementing those “simple” things into a daily routine is the hardest thing I had ever done until that point, and my brain was ready to explode in overwhelm and fear.
Some days were so difficult, it would take me more than 1 hour to have a simple snack.
This is how it went:
I would find myself tired and wired, sitting at my desk, after too many hours without food and too many coffees later, and my brain would send a desperate SOS that reminded me I needed to eat. For the best part of the first hour, I rejected the thought and simply ignored it; I would choose a walk, a glass of water, gum, or another coffee instead. If the urge was too strong to be pushed away, I would then start thinking about food, and I would spend some of my time checking pictures of meals on Pinterest.
Sometimes, that was enough to curb my “cravings,” shut down my body signals, and move on with the rest of my day. And that would make me feel powerful and under control.
Other days I had to cave in and have a snack, as the lack of concentration and the rumbling stomach were too hard to suppress. It didn’t matter which snack I chose, I always felt guilty. I would walk to the grocery store near my office, daydreaming of munching on chocolate cookies, ice cream, or God Forbid, a sandwich! And I always ended up having a high protein, low calories…