A Memo from the Person who Loves me the most
I’m my husband’s wife. I’m not the one writing, and I’m here talking to her, telling my perspective on our lives, and on how things have been going since our daughter was born.
I saw my wife giving birth, I was sitting next to her, and she was incredible; I spent days treating her as if she was wonder woman, as she was to me. I saw her struggling with those never-ending breastfeeding session, I was there when she cried at 3 am because she was tired and in pain. I was there when she felt guilty, exhausted, and ready to throw the towel.
And I was there when she picked herself up and she committed to living a life she loved. I have seen her trying, and making mistakes, and I have always been next to her, with my ears open, and a warm hug waiting to be received.
Sometimes I felt powerless, as my advice didn’t seem needed or well accepted; but what do I know, more than loving her? It pains me when she doesn’t see how beautiful and bright she is, or when she doubts herself for being a good enough mum; if you ask me, she is an amazing mother.
I have made the connection before she did, and every time she has a flare (caused by her autoimmune condition), or she feels anxious, or she loses herself in “doing”, instead of “being”, it’s caused by her going back to old patterns.
If she would listen, there are only a few things I would want her to do…
Prioritise. Sometimes that feeling of urgency she experiences when replying to an email, writing an article, or cooking for our little daughter, it’s just in her head. It would be ideal if she could prioritise her health and wellness first, so she could have more energy to take on the tasks she wants to tick off her list.
Go for a walk. Motherhood is intense, I can see that as I’m the father, and I’m living it; having a clingy baby that cries all the time is exhausting, and there shouldn’t be any guilt in living her with me for a little bit longer. What difference do 30 minutes make? I also wish that she could click the laptop shut without thinking it twice, and smile at the sun. She has improved incredibly in the past two years, but I still believe she needs to allow herself to feel freer.
Sleep a little bit more. Nap when you can for God’s sake! All the people around you thrive from your energy and smile, they don’t enjoy the snarky comments caused by a 3 hours night sleep. Go to bed at 7pm if you want, snooze in the afternoon, wake up later. I can manage, and I would want you to trust me; I can put our baby to sleep, I can cook dinner, I can clean and I can be by myself.
Slow down. I wish you would put fewer things on your list. Seriously, there is no need to do so much, as life happens while you rush from one achievement to another, and from one drop off and a pick-up. What if the house is a mess and dinner isn’t ready? We can do it together, we haven’t signed a contract where you are in charge of everything and I’m in charge of my own. What if today you can’t write? You will be more creative tomorrow. What if you haven’t studied today? You have studied almost every day since I have known you, I’m pretty sure you know your stuff…
Be spontaneous. You are so much fun when there is spontaneity; you can be so witty, and I love your laugh. Every time we do something out of the blue, I remember why I have married you; you make my life better!