5 Ways To Create Lasting Memories while Improving the Relationship with Your Kids
Without guilt and regrets
Did you have a dream of what kind of parent you were going to be before your child came to the world? Did you have expectations on how he was going to behave, eat, relate to the rest of the world?
I certainly did, and I wasn’t afraid to judge other parents when I saw them yelling at their kids, feeding them pouches, and let them run around a restaurant, without behind reprimanded. I also particularly disliked crying kids in public spaces, and I always wondered why parents didn’t put them to their place.
Until I had a child, and I realised very quickly that I could have all the dreams and desires in the entire universe, but that didn’t mean she was going to listen and respect them.
I was challenged from the very first days, as my little love was the only crying baby at the first meeting with the mother’s group; I remember leaving the place in tears, wondering where I was failing. I had planned her nap accordingly to the meeting, I had fed her, changed her, sang lullabies and cuddle her to sleep. But that particular time she kept on crying…for the longest 60 minutes.
I showed up again the next week, expecting the worst, and she did cry, but not as much, or at least, it didn’t bother me. What had changed? I kept asking myself; she was on the same routine, yet the experience was so much different. I even managed to have a coffee and exchange numbers.
My child hadn’t magically changed, but I did. I quickly learned that wanting to be in control didn’t serve me when it came down to be a great mother, and it was actually stopping me to enjoy the present moment thoroughly.
If you want to have fun with your family, if you want to have energy by the end of the day, if you want to avoid a copious amount of tears (coming from you, and your child), I warmly invite you to:
Limit expectations
Before having a child, I had a completely different expectation when it came to activities I couldn’t and could do. I thought going out for meals was going to be easy (children sits and enjoy dining in silence, right?), I was planning holidays on the road as we used to do, but I was especially expecting long winter afternoons sitting in the couch lazing around, with a cuddly baby wrapped around me. The reality is that we have little or no control toward which kid we are going to get, and how he is going to behave when out in the world.
During the first years of their life, we need to follow their schedule, not ours. If you think otherwise, you are simply fooling yourself.
When parents think their kids do whatever they want them to do, it is most likely that they have adapted their life to suit the child needs, and they don’t even realise it.
Lowering expectations, accepting this is just a phase, and making daily arrangements to live a more pleasant day is the key to success.
Get rid of the phone
I do understand that for the majority of the population, the iPhone has become an extension of their arm; I’m not inviting you to alter your phone time so that your kid doesn’t learn from you (which is a bonus anyway), but simply so you can become a more present parent.
If you scroll through Facebook or read an article, while your child is pointing and screaming so you can name that animal in that book right in front of you, it is time to make some changes. When you are with your child, be with him. When you are on the phone, focus on the task at hand. I used to write articles while my little love was quietly playing in the living room; after 3–5 minutes, she would always come up to me, screaming for my attention. It was a no-win situation, she would get upset as she couldn’t catch my undivided focus for longer than 10 minutes, and I was growing frustrated as I couldn’t finish writing those sentences that were rolling out my brain.
As I was the adult, I stopped. My time with my child became a tech-free space, also if that meant naming “duck” and singing “quack, quack” more than 10 times a minute.
Talk and Listen
It doesn’t matter how old your child is; he is listening, and he talks. Brushing him off, not paying attention, go on with your business will only create frustration. Would you like it if someone, like your partner, did that to you?
I don’t think so.
It’s also important to talk back to your little chatterbox. I don’t think saying “No” when they are about to open the fridge door is a good way of communicating; explain to your child why you don’t want this to happen, and show him what would happen if he went ahead with his idea. Luna was drowned and scared by the fire, and she was always stretching a curious hand towards it. One day I sat her down, and I placed my hand on a little flame; I yelled (with obvious exaggeration), and I showed her my black hand. We did it together a couple of times, and after that, she showed little or no interest in the fireplace. This doesn’t mean she won’t go after it in the future, but I felt we were both much more empowered for having communicated, instead of shouting a monosyllabic NO.
Outsource and ask for help
I find that it is so much easier to enjoy my child, and my family time, if I prioritise my “Me” time first. Whenever I spread myself to thin, or whenever I undervalue ‘time in’ to do what I enjoy, I get anxious. I don’t realise it straight away, but whenever I catch myself getting angry over the 5th fight with my daughter, I know it’s all about me, not about her. We do of course have our days off where our patience lingers dramatically, but I know how to avoid getting to that point.
This is when I normally ask for help (especially to my partner), or outsource. That can mean for someone else to clean the house so I can work while my baby is asleep and I can play with her when she wakes up, or it can also mean hiring a babysitter for the evening, or simply leave my child at day-care for an extra couple of hours.
You are the only one who knows what ticks you off, and how to get back in balance. Don’t waste your time trying to do everything at once, and feeling depleted by the end of the day.
Be a wild family
I enjoy wild…nothing outrageous, but I do enjoy an impromptu laugh. Jumping on the mud, chasing pigeons, dancing in the supermarket’s isles, carry Luna in a shopping trolley and play hide and seek with dad. Or even dancing in the living room until we have no breath left in our lungs. It doesn’t have to get crazy or completely out of control, but I value flexibility when it comes to motherhood.
I don’t excel at it, and I’m improving day by day, but spontaneity fits my family like a silky glove; all of a sudden there are fewer Nos and more laughter.
It doesn’t hurt to give it a go.
